Epilogue on exile
After a strong reaction to my post from yesterday I feel I should elaborate my point so that no one else misunderstands.
I have a very good friend in Denmark, we’ve known each other probably since we were six years old. She always knew she wanted to do law school so after she finished college she went traveling for a year or two and then she started studying law. She met her boyfriend to years ago and they’re now getting married in the fall. We are very different her and I. She was always more considered than me and went I went off doing something truly random she stayed put. Sometimes I could get annoyed I was always the one making mistakes and she was able to stay on track. This doesn’t mean she didn’t make mistakes but she was better at considering her actions before doing. I, the other hand, have always been good at doing before thinking. The difference maybe between leading a more aesthetic than ethical life, even if I would like to be more the other way around I guess it is always a choice. No matter how big my mess she stayed like a fly on a sticky insect strap, and today we are still close friends. She lives in a house her boyfriend bought for them and when I go visit her I can’t help but feel a little out of place. It is as if she lives in a world of grown-ups and I’m still crawling around on the floor like a toddler… I envy her life sometimes, but when I leave her house I cannot help but feel I still made the right choices although some of them were wrong. Thus when I said “I sometimes wish I was one of these people who have it all figured out”, I meant her. She probably doesn’t have everything figured out, but I only say that (and any so called insults that I unconsciously made, may be because of this) because I don’t feel like I have anything figured out. I may have made bad choices and some of them I regret but I made them anyway and I would make them again because they brought me where I am today. I don’t have it all figured out and I’m living comfortably with that thought which can actually, if you can learn to let it, also be quite comforting. I think what some people might have taken as an insult yesterday may simply have been my own insecurity. When we envy or when we feel insecure we judge and maybe more severely than we should, I know I do… I completely and entirely admit that one day, one day, I do want steak knives and a little red cottage by a lake in Sweden (or a town house in London or a loft in Paris) with a fluffy puppy pissing on my floors. I am just not there yet and this thought is such a stranger to me that it seems almost impossible. So instead I envy the people who are already there even though I know this feeling is unnecessary because I am just not ready for settling down yet. Maybe this getting ready is just something you think about when the ‘settling down’ part hasn’t happened yet. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and realize my settling down happened over three moths… Every person should walk the down the road of settling down at his own pace, I guess, is the morale of this blog post. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I certainly didn’t mean to belittle or denigrate anyone’s life choices. If I did something it was probably to reveal a little piece of my own weakness.