Right so all jokes aside, this next post might be a tat serious… I don’t really know how to start so I’m just gonna go with it and see where it goes… For a few nights now, before I go to sleep I have had these thoughts, a little hard to place they are, where is Yoda when you need him to advice you on your life and beliefs…? Then I went, with my flatmates, to see Immortals (only cause it was free) and really don’t bother it is not very good. Cool effects but not really any storyline, just men fighting in togas (at least there was something fun to look at and I had Kitkat, so that kept me busy). That film sort of enhanced these ideas that have been roaming around in my head. If I may just say, I am not in any way trying to be cynical in this post, this is the purest honesty (pure as a young virgin). What I was thinking was, what if it is possible to become so cynical or loose faith so much that you chuck your feelings so far away that you just don’t feel anything anymore. Why does Immortals has anything to do with this, well cause I was sitting there watching all these highly violent fight scenes and obviously I felt nothing. Okay maybe Immortals is not the best example cause I was also busy eating Kitkat and it was just an action movie. I could now take this in a direction where I discuss how, because of the amount of violence and suffering on TV, we have become immune to the pain and suffering we daily see everywhere around us. I’m not quite gonna, though one could keep that idea in mind. My point is, how can we be sure what we feel is real? See it’s not actually about having had so many bad experiences that you chuck your feelings away it is more, how do we know these feelings are not just drama we create for ourselves to ‘feel’ we have a more interesting life? If, say, I’m sad about a boy then I know I’m sad, but sometimes I wonder if that sadness is just something I do to have something to obsess about, something to spend my time on… Or I had a conversation with a friend in Paris a while ago (over cheap happy hour red wine and no peanuts) about the way it is more interesting when something with the other sex is on that when nothing’s on… This may seem logic but I don’t think men really bother about this, if nothing’s going on then nothing’s going on, they have a wank (as my flatmates, boys, say) and they play X-box rugby or drink beer. I am considering if this is just about us being lonely sad pathetic girls, but I’m not sure loneliness is the reason. It’s not so much about the being lonely it’s more just about keeping your mind busy… But doesn’t work and career suffice to do that… yeah everyone knows the answer to that.. It is a logic fact that girls like to obsess about boys, the more stupid the boy the more fun the obsession. The thing is just right, what if all this is just scam… Obviously not for everyone. But what if when we are sad or pissed off or hysterical about someone, maybe it is just to keep our minds busy. Cause if we feel something at least we don’t feel nothing, only the something we think we feel might actually be nothing because it is just something we use to keep our minds busy.. Maybe I’m just a sociopath inept of compassion and as a result of this post I’m gonna go kill and chop up my flatmates and serve them as a nice roast for a christmas dinner… Maybe I’m just tired of them not cleaning… But how can we actually be sure what we feel is real. Because we feel the pain or the disappointment, well maybe that is just us playing out drama…? I don’t know if this makes any sense or if I’m just rambling, maybe the dark side is just strong in me. I shall ponder this, and as Yoda would have said it, train now, eat later… Sur ce…
This next post is gonna be a little weird… To you brother something so far from anything I have ever been talking about here… To be honest this might be the point where I reveal just how crazy I actually am, but I am willing to take this chance. What I want to relate is not so much a thing as it is a state of mind, and it might have nothing to do with anything. It is a state of mind that has been happening from time to time ever since I was a kid; I really do remember doing this even when I was probably like 6 years old… Some of you might be afraid this is some weird Freudian symptom, hell it might be, but I am also willing to take that chance.
It always happens when I lie in my bed at night before I fall asleep. That point where everything around you is quiet and it is just you and your thoughts which at one point turn into a dreamy like state. On the border of sleep and awakeness. As said it is more a state of mind than an actual thought. Let me try to explain… I lie in my bed and I close my eyes. What I see for my inner eye is two different changing images, they involve a feeling and non existing sounds as well as different images flashing by. It is something that happens both visually and in words and no it is nothing sexual and never involves drugs. I don’t really know how to explain it, like two opposite images, one is filled with noise it is dark and twisted but not in a bad way, it involves a sowing machine or some kind of weavering instrument (though this is never really visually pictured) and it involves a small wooden rocking horse painted I think (but this too is never pictured visually). In this image different vivid movements happens all over the place accompanied by voices and loud noise. In the other image everything is white (not white as a white wall but as the colour of clear sunlight) it is in a sort of room with only one figure present. This image involves an image of two fingers doing the same movement over and over (this though still not visually pictured) like doing an imaginary sowing movement with your fingers. It also involves the feel of a soft and neatly spread out fabric (also white). So the whole thing switches around between these two images; from the loud, noisy, dark and twisted one to the one in the white room the clean and neat one. There is a figure in this room, like a little man but I can’t see him clearly, and perspective here keeps going back and forth, zooming in and out. There is a very distinctive feeling attached to this image. On the one hand it is clean and neat (as an opposite to the loud dark and messy image) and on the other hand there is a physical feeling of claustrophobia. Not in an oppressing way but it reminds me of the feeling I would have if I were alone out in the middle of the ocean. This image or feeling or experience is not something I consciously think about it is just something that happens. Not all the time but from time to time. Every time it happens I feel certain that this time I am able to distinguish and place it but every time it escapes me with an inch. It is not a negative or scary thing, it has been with me now for so long that I just let it happen, feels almost homely, like my head is my haven. I still do wonder, though, what it actually is. I realize when I re-read it that it must sound completely psychotic… Like something taken out of ShutterIsland! It might sound that way but it’s not really. It is a pleasant feeling of peace, like letting everything go and just being in that moment. Never oppressing never depressing just myself in the darkness with my thoughts and silence.
So there you go bro, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Has nothing to do with anything, no moral, no punch line just a state of mind!! And as Tiny Tim would say Merry Christmas to y’all and a jolly good weekend!