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Obsession

Right so all jokes aside, this next post might be a tat serious… I don’t really know how to start so I’m just gonna go with it and see where it goes… For a few nights now, before I go to sleep I have had these thoughts, a little hard to place they are, where is Yoda when you need him to advice you on your life and beliefs…? Then I went, with my flatmates, to see Immortals (only cause it was free) and really don’t bother it is not very good. Cool effects but not really any storyline, just men fighting in togas (at least there was something fun to look at and I had Kitkat, so that kept me busy). That film sort of enhanced these ideas that have been roaming around in my head. If I may just say, I am not in any way trying to be cynical in this post, this is the purest honesty (pure as a young virgin). What I was thinking was, what if it is possible to become so cynical or loose faith so much that you chuck your feelings so far away that you just don’t feel anything anymore. Why does Immortals has anything to do with this, well cause I was sitting there watching all these highly violent fight scenes and obviously I felt nothing. Okay maybe Immortals is not the best example cause I was also busy eating Kitkat and it was just an action movie. I could now take this in a direction where I discuss how, because of the amount of violence and suffering on TV, we have become immune to the pain and suffering we daily see everywhere around us. I’m not quite gonna, though one could keep that idea in mind. My point is, how can we be sure what we feel is real? See it’s not actually about having had so many bad experiences that you chuck your feelings away it is more, how do we know these feelings are not just drama we create for ourselves to ‘feel’ we have a more interesting life? If, say, I’m sad about a boy then I know I’m sad, but sometimes I wonder if that sadness is just something I do to have something to obsess about, something to spend my time on… Or I had a conversation with a friend in Paris a while ago (over cheap happy hour red wine and no peanuts) about the way it is more interesting when something with the other sex is on that when nothing’s on… This may seem logic but I don’t think men really bother about this, if nothing’s going on then nothing’s going on, they have a wank (as my flatmates, boys, say) and they play X-box rugby or drink beer. I am considering if this is just about us being lonely sad pathetic girls, but I’m not sure loneliness is the reason. It’s not so much about the being lonely it’s more just about keeping your mind busy… But doesn’t work and career suffice to do that… yeah everyone knows the answer to that.. It is a logic fact that girls like to obsess about boys, the more stupid the boy the more fun the obsession. The thing is just right, what if all this is just scam… Obviously not for everyone. But what if when we are sad or pissed off or hysterical about someone, maybe it is just to keep our minds busy. Cause if we feel something at least we don’t feel nothing, only the something we think we feel might actually be nothing because it is just something we use to keep our minds busy.. Maybe I’m just a sociopath inept of compassion and as a result of this post I’m gonna go kill and chop up my flatmates and serve them as a nice roast for a christmas dinner… Maybe I’m just tired of them not cleaning… But how can we actually be sure what we feel is real. Because we feel the pain or the disappointment, well maybe that is just us playing out drama…? I don’t know if this makes any sense or if I’m just rambling, maybe the dark side is just strong in me. I shall ponder this, and as Yoda would have said it, train now, eat later… Sur ce…


The Death Of Cyberspace

Right so after the last post let me try to confront the problem in a less, say, agressive manner. Also I am home alone with one flatmate (who’s playing some sort of online football tactic game… not really my place) a gin tonic and waay too many home rolled cigarettes (and it’s friday night… no judgement). So feel like I should do something else than watching series. Let’s start here: We all know that moment, when we log on to the blue and white screen, hoping to see a little red square above the globe or the little letter, maybe even a red icon above the little icon of a person, someone new might be interested in befriending us. We scroll down to see what up’, we like “j’aime”, we comment or we get pissed off by some council man from Poland posting inappropriate “Denmark’s killing whales posts”. We hear that little specific sound, two notes, alarming us to someone trying to get in contact with us and we decide whether we are just ignoring it or in the mood to respond… We all know what I am reffering to. We have our mail open, just in case, or you mac people get notifications whenever new post has arrived. Our phone is next to us, and (if you are someone like me who always has it on silent) at the slightest vibration we think someone might have hit the send button to great us with a message (cause yes yes Turkle you are right no one ever call us anymore… Or maybe I’m just not worth calling… Frightening thought). We always have our phones charged cause god forbit we should run out of battery, not so much cause of the calls (since there are none) but for, say, Google maps, you’re meeting someone, you want to google something, call a cab, use Hungry House to order food… Let’s just say our phones are never off, and I admit having said “I feel like something’s missing when I go out without my iPhone”. Yes yes Turkle maybe we are addicted to technology (and no I am not forgetting all of you out there who don’t have either iPhones or Blackberry’s I know you still exist!!) but maybe we are also considered human beings who know when to turn it off… I know my flatmate is right when he says some people are maniacs when it comes to social networks and being connected all the time, but I also know as he said so himself that when he goes off to the country to see his family there is no cell reception or web connection so he is off line and he likes it. Maybe Kevin Kelly who says he is in love with the web itself shouldn’t be taken that seriously… Maybe and even if his love for the web has become something both erotic and idealistic, maybe we are not all masturbating to the idea of our internet connection and all the beautiful possibilities the web can offer today… And imagine if we were, well maybe not masturbating but loving the internet, would that be so bad…? It seems Clay Shirky is onto something with all his different examples of how we can use this interconnectedness for something besides sharing jokes or tweeting pictures of our latest dinner. And as I said in that last post… The whole idea of us living two separate lives, one off line and one online… Well it is just ridiculous! Yes maybe there are people getting sucked into cyberspace but hasn’t there always been people who had problems…? I said it before… The off and the on’s are inseperable, let’s face it I usually use FB for posting weird shit to my flatmates, or to arrange a library meeting or to catch up with people from Denmark or Paris, it may not be super exciting but that’s just how it is. You check events, you ckeck out a new band you check out this restaurant someone went to that looked cool. I wonder if one were to count the number of times a person created a second life on FB with a fake identity and a more appealing personality and the number of times people like you and me use FB as an extension of our everyday life (thank you McLuhan), which one would be the most common… I’m guessing the last one would be of a lot higher amount than the first one. No I don’t have any statistics and no I’m probably not qualified to have an opinion, but isn’t this almost just common knowledge… So voila, that was an attempt to say it differently, should now go and get my flatmate off his second life as a football manager… He might get sucked in…


Love and Sex With Robots Or Sherry Turkle’s Inquisition of Digital Evangilists

Okay so I was reading this book by Sherry Turkle, Alone Together – Why We Expect More From Technology And Less From Each Other, and it really does merit a little blog post. See when she talks about technology and social media she is like a Christian talking about the Antichrist… Harsh, ruthless and judgmental in a very “I am a psychologist so I just want the best for you poor people who do not realize to which state you have become addicted to a lonely life of screen watching and mouse clicking replacing your human friends and lovers with computers and robots” way… I cannot decide, cause there are obviously pins of truth in her musings, and I am certainly not trying to be cleverer than a professor and a psychologist but it is just a little too much. I do agree with the fact that texting and Facebook chatting can be annoying. As I mentioned in an older post it sometimes feels like modern dating only exists in virtual online life. You wait for a text instead of a call and instead of telling someone on the phone (cause that is a good old voice to voice technology item, not nearly as dangerous as robots) how you feel you write ❤ ❤ :-p ;0) ❤ in a text (I wish i could make these virtual smiley pieces of art where it reassembles a panda or a thumbs-up, but I am not that talented)… Okay well maybe that is a little excessive, I almost never use smileys in my texts, I also don’t really tell people I like them on the (i)Phone, but you get my point. It is true that when communicating sometimes it would be nice to hear a voice or instead of deciphering weird text messages and wondering whether he was being sarcastic or honest or playing the game of “must not text back before at least 12 hours” and then waiting around for a response and then wondering whether to put x or xx or xxx at then end of your text or just putting nothing or “take care dude”. Ah yes living in virtual life can be quite exhausting, with the rules of texting and the stalking of Facebook and Twitter and, oh my, there are so many. Maybe that David Levy is on to something about exchanging men (yes yes or women) for robots (NB from his book Love & Sex With Robots). They would definitely be longer lasting in bed and apparently know more than all the worlds knowledge of sexual positions (which seems to bed one of his main points), but maybe I’m not so much into cold metal between my legs (when it’s not my bike of course)… Maybe I’m old-fashioned because I still think of R2D2 or 3PO when I think of robots and I really wouldn’t want to have sex with them, they are cult robots not to be thought of in a sexual way (and 3PO would honestly just piss me off in the end..). Maybe David Levy’s robots are cool plastic silicone ones, but then isn’t that just like having sex with a working, walking and talking dildo… Can’t decide, maybe that’s the whole point of robots in bed, that they are just performers. I am still not sure about that idea though, I kinda like real flesh and blood men (hoo maybe David Levy’s robots are also made out of flesh and blood… Sick shit dude!!) and kinda like that they don’t know all there is too know about all the worlds sexual positions… Just imagine the pressure: “no robot don’t know that one, no robot don’t know that one, no robot don’t know that one, do you just wanna do missionary..? no, oh okay… Yeah definitely not keen on the robot sex, but I like how it has become some men’s (aka David Levy’s) fetish or at least that it is now on the market like S/M, Latex, Swingers or Golden Showers… I dig the whole ‘free choice’… See the thing is Sherry Turkle talks about people praising the internet as heroic narrators… “Effusions of digital evangelists who confuse technological advance with human progress” and then she decides we as humans have become blinded so much from the need for technological advancement and more and more social media, that we can’t see clearly anymore and that we therefore get sucked into virtual life and can’t even choose our life outside online cyberspace anymore. First of all, stop with the whole cyberspace… There is no cyberspace and online activity does not necessarily mean we alienate ourselves from “real” life… And why do we keep having to make that distinction, online activity is just as big a part of “real life” as “real life” is a part of online activity. We don’t go to Cyber every time we log on or go Wifi (even though, man, it does sound like a cool place… Cyber: Where the milk is fresh and there is always free ice-cream, stop by any time) Frankly that whole cyber statement is getting old. And then maybe Turkle, maybe give people some credit. Stop thinking that as soon as the first sex robot is on the market we’ll all go and buy ourselves one and stay home for weeks and weeks and have constant sex with our over talented robots. I’m not saying people wouldn’t buy them, they probably would and a lot (especially if Steve Jobs was in over the design) but it is always like that with the newest technology fling. Something new comes out, gets overhyped and then people move on… Funny how when society is changing there are always these critics who thinks the apocalypse is now near, and wait, listen, they can almost hear the trumpets… And so they write books like Sherry Turkle’s warning us about the digital Evangelists as if they were the devil trying to fill us with evil cyber thoughts. Here is a counter example: I have a friend with whom I have had an email revival, in the space of circa one week we have in total written about 36 emails, and these are not rotten little short emails these are actual essays (well most of them at least). Hope you are all out there thinking oh my goood she’s been sucked into the Space of Cyber… Now we don’t live very far apart and we do see each other fairly regurlarly but there is just such a difference in writing than in speaking, also keep in mind that this is not stupid texting it is just like writing a letter, yes, that is what e-mailing is… Maybe Turkle wouldn’t call this a counter example, maybe she would say we are a perfect example of technology gone bad. I’m gonna say the opposite. I find it refreshing that the old art of writing a letter has actually become present in my emailing my friend, I sit down I have a coffee and a cigarette and I think about my answer. So put that in you bong Sherry Turkle and inhale…. Stop talking about separate cyber divided online virtual lives in an alone togetherness, where the only communication form is through our phones, and where we dig robot sex and give people some credit!!! Maybe this is not the end of all human common sense, maybe this is not the end of the world. Maybe people are actually capable of finding their way through technology and The Space Of Cyber while still caring for and keeping human contact a factor in their lives… Maybe I’m wrong…


Let the Crazyness Out Or – Mad as a Hatter!!

This next post is gonna be a little weird… To you brother something so far from anything I have ever been talking about here… To be honest this might be the point where I reveal just how crazy I actually am, but I am willing to take this chance. What I want to relate is not so much a thing as it is a state of mind, and it might have nothing to do with anything. It is a state of mind that has been happening from time to time ever since I was a kid; I really do remember doing this even when I was probably like 6 years old… Some of you might be afraid this is some weird Freudian symptom, hell it might be, but I am also willing to take that chance.

It always happens when I lie in my bed at night before I fall asleep. That point where everything around you is quiet and it is just you and your thoughts which at one point turn into a dreamy like state. On the border of sleep and awakeness. As said it is more a state of mind than an actual thought. Let me try to explain… I lie in my bed and I close my eyes. What I see for my inner eye is two different changing images, they involve a feeling and non existing sounds as well as different images flashing by. It is something that happens both visually and in words and no it is nothing sexual and never involves drugs. I don’t really know how to explain it, like two opposite images, one is filled with noise it is dark and twisted but not in a bad way, it involves a sowing machine or some kind of weavering instrument (though this is never really visually pictured) and it involves a small wooden rocking horse painted I think (but this too is never pictured visually). In this image different vivid movements happens all over the place accompanied by voices and loud noise. In the other image everything is white (not white as a white wall but as the colour of clear sunlight) it is in a sort of room with only one figure present. This image involves an image of two fingers doing the same movement over and over (this though still not visually pictured) like doing an imaginary sowing movement with your fingers. It also involves the feel of a soft and neatly spread out fabric (also white). So the whole thing switches around between these two images; from the loud, noisy, dark and twisted one to the one in the white room the clean and neat one. There is a figure in this room, like a little man but I can’t see him clearly, and perspective here keeps going back and forth, zooming in and out. There is a very distinctive feeling attached to this image. On the one hand it is clean and neat (as an opposite to the loud dark and messy image) and on the other hand there is a physical feeling of claustrophobia. Not in an oppressing way but it reminds me of the feeling I would have if I were alone out in the middle of the ocean. This image or feeling or experience is not something I consciously think about it is just something that happens. Not all the time but from time to time. Every time it happens I feel certain that this time I am able to distinguish and place it but every time it escapes me with an inch. It is not a negative or scary thing, it has been with me now for so long that I just let it happen, feels almost homely, like my head is my haven. I still do wonder, though, what it actually is. I realize when I re-read it that it must sound completely psychotic… Like something taken out of ShutterIsland! It might sound that way but it’s not really. It is a pleasant feeling of peace, like letting everything go and just being in that moment. Never oppressing never depressing just myself in the darkness with my thoughts and silence.

So there you go bro, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Has nothing to do with anything, no moral, no punch line just a state of mind!! And as Tiny Tim would say Merry Christmas to y’all and a jolly good weekend!


Something old and something new

I have recently tried to catch up a little with technology… Just wanted to throw this out there! Hope you like it!!

http://soundcloud.com/myella

Have a good wedensday night


Happy Friday!

Today I do not have lot to say! I simply want to share a little project we were asked to do in school! Our film Band Apart, tiens tiens is that a play on words…?

The music is composed by my good friend Matthias Fuchez, with a tiny amount of my help or support rather. The song is a common project, check out our myspace!! I hope you all enjoy, Happy Friday!!

Passwoed: lcc


Epilogue on exile

After a strong reaction to my post from yesterday I feel I should elaborate my point so that no one else misunderstands.

I have a very good friend in Denmark, we’ve known each other probably since we were six years old. She always knew she wanted to do law school so after she finished college she went traveling for a year or two and then she started studying law. She met her boyfriend to years ago and they’re now getting married in the fall. We are very different her and I. She was always more considered than me and went I went off doing something truly random she stayed put. Sometimes I could get annoyed I was always the one making mistakes and she was able to stay on track. This doesn’t mean she didn’t make mistakes but she was better at considering her actions before doing. I, the other hand, have always been good at doing before thinking. The difference maybe between leading a more aesthetic than ethical life, even if I would like to be more the other way around I guess it is always a choice. No matter how big my mess she stayed like a fly on a sticky insect strap, and today we are still close friends. She lives in a house her boyfriend bought for them and when I go visit her I can’t help but feel a little out of place. It is as if she lives in a world of grown-ups and I’m still crawling around on the floor like a toddler… I envy her life sometimes, but when I leave her house I cannot help but feel I still made the right choices although some of them were wrong. Thus when I said “I sometimes wish I was one of these people who have it all figured out”, I meant her. She probably doesn’t have everything figured out, but I only say that (and any so called insults that I unconsciously made, may be because of this) because I don’t feel like I have anything figured out. I may have made bad choices and some of them I regret but I made them anyway and I would make them again because they brought me where I am today. I don’t have it all figured out and I’m living comfortably with that thought which can actually, if you can learn to let it, also be quite comforting. I think what some people might have taken as an insult yesterday may simply have been my own insecurity. When we envy or when we feel insecure we judge and maybe more severely than we should, I know I do… I completely and entirely admit that one day, one day, I do want steak knives and a little red cottage by a lake in Sweden (or a town house in London or a loft in Paris) with a fluffy puppy pissing on my floors. I am just not there yet and this thought is such a stranger to me that it seems almost impossible. So instead I envy the people who are already there even though I know this feeling is unnecessary because I am just not ready for settling down yet. Maybe this getting ready is just something you think about when the ‘settling down’ part hasn’t happened yet. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and realize my settling down happened over three moths… Every person should walk the down the road of settling down at his own pace, I guess, is the morale of this blog post. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I certainly didn’t mean to belittle or denigrate anyone’s life choices. If I did something it was probably to reveal a little piece of my own weakness.