This next post is gonna be a little weird… To you brother something so far from anything I have ever been talking about here… To be honest this might be the point where I reveal just how crazy I actually am, but I am willing to take this chance. What I want to relate is not so much a thing as it is a state of mind, and it might have nothing to do with anything. It is a state of mind that has been happening from time to time ever since I was a kid; I really do remember doing this even when I was probably like 6 years old… Some of you might be afraid this is some weird Freudian symptom, hell it might be, but I am also willing to take that chance.
It always happens when I lie in my bed at night before I fall asleep. That point where everything around you is quiet and it is just you and your thoughts which at one point turn into a dreamy like state. On the border of sleep and awakeness. As said it is more a state of mind than an actual thought. Let me try to explain… I lie in my bed and I close my eyes. What I see for my inner eye is two different changing images, they involve a feeling and non existing sounds as well as different images flashing by. It is something that happens both visually and in words and no it is nothing sexual and never involves drugs. I don’t really know how to explain it, like two opposite images, one is filled with noise it is dark and twisted but not in a bad way, it involves a sowing machine or some kind of weavering instrument (though this is never really visually pictured) and it involves a small wooden rocking horse painted I think (but this too is never pictured visually). In this image different vivid movements happens all over the place accompanied by voices and loud noise. In the other image everything is white (not white as a white wall but as the colour of clear sunlight) it is in a sort of room with only one figure present. This image involves an image of two fingers doing the same movement over and over (this though still not visually pictured) like doing an imaginary sowing movement with your fingers. It also involves the feel of a soft and neatly spread out fabric (also white). So the whole thing switches around between these two images; from the loud, noisy, dark and twisted one to the one in the white room the clean and neat one. There is a figure in this room, like a little man but I can’t see him clearly, and perspective here keeps going back and forth, zooming in and out. There is a very distinctive feeling attached to this image. On the one hand it is clean and neat (as an opposite to the loud dark and messy image) and on the other hand there is a physical feeling of claustrophobia. Not in an oppressing way but it reminds me of the feeling I would have if I were alone out in the middle of the ocean. This image or feeling or experience is not something I consciously think about it is just something that happens. Not all the time but from time to time. Every time it happens I feel certain that this time I am able to distinguish and place it but every time it escapes me with an inch. It is not a negative or scary thing, it has been with me now for so long that I just let it happen, feels almost homely, like my head is my haven. I still do wonder, though, what it actually is. I realize when I re-read it that it must sound completely psychotic… Like something taken out of ShutterIsland! It might sound that way but it’s not really. It is a pleasant feeling of peace, like letting everything go and just being in that moment. Never oppressing never depressing just myself in the darkness with my thoughts and silence.
So there you go bro, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Has nothing to do with anything, no moral, no punch line just a state of mind!! And as Tiny Tim would say Merry Christmas to y’all and a jolly good weekend!